In Which Loki Conquers Natural Wonders

Another day, another adventure, another bit of the realm to conquer. This time, to a place called Colorado Springs. 

The best plan of attack, Loki decided, was to start at the top and work his way down. He made his way to Manitou Springs, and found a curious building at the base of Pike's Peak.

The mortal attendants were appropriately cowed and quickly provided him with a ticket.

Though he was forced to wait for the arrival of his chariot. This did not impress him.

Green would be a much better color than red. He made note to have that oversight seen to once he was done with his conquest.

Seating was reserved, at least.

The engineer carried a piece of the train with him as a talisman. Not worrying at all.

The mortals who dared share the train with him were appropriately fearful.

The journey commenced to a view of trees.

And trees.

And some rocks and trees.

Oh look. Trees.

...

A few pretty yellow trees as a change, perhaps.

A house amongst the trees for mortal hikers to cower in when fearing Thor.

The trees were beginning to get a bit dizzy with the incline. Or perhaps that was Loki beginning to feel the lack of oxygen.

At last, he broke free of the trees and could observe his domain.

Oh, more rocks. And tiny birds.

He gained the summit.

"You know what would truly be beautiful? KNEEL."

"I don't know what you mean by 'Sad Loki in Snow.' I'm not sad. I'm angry. Stop it. This isn't funny."

Perhaps Thor had noticed his presence; clouds began to gather rapidly, wreathing the mountain's summit.

Not wanting to get dragged off by his oafish brother, Loki took refuge in the gift shop.

"Ever feel as if you're being watched by someone that just won't stop smiling?"

Coffee and a special Pike's Peak donut before diving back out into the clouds and snow.

Having surveyed the area from the air, Loki turned his attention to a place called the Garden of the Gods. Already ready and waiting for him, it seemed. 

A glorious sunset beginning.

A good garden for a god, even one of mischief.

Apparently Loki + Waffles = A Thing (and it's my fault?)

Well, this was sure a surreal way to top off my time at Worldcon.

I don't see a point in being coy about the fact that I still write a bit of fanfiction now and then for fun, and lately it's been Thor/The Avengers fanfic with Loki as the main character because hey, he's my favorite, and he's fun to write. I wrote this novella-length thing called The Calculator last year and included a sort of cute side "character" that was the Waffle Iron¹.

Last night a very nice person who read that fanfic in an archive and left some comments and informed me that apparently the Waffle Iron has become A Thing, which even has its own tumblr. And has spawned other fanfics (I think that's really cool) and porn². The latter I find a bit disturbing, but I guess I'm not surprised. Rule 34 and all that. And waffles have now made a guest appearance in the Loki and the Loon comic, which as far as I can tell has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the terrifying internet porn.

I had no idea about any of this. Most probably because I don't have a tumblr³. I knew people thought the little Waffle Iron in The Calculator was cute, but no one even mentioned to me that fanfics spawned from it. I didn't even realize that people had actually, you know, read the story to that extent.

I'm not upset or anything. I'm just deeply puzzled⁴. I really wish I'd known this was going on because it's kind of cool and perhaps not something best left to drop on my head sometime after midnight and my third beer⁵.

So yeah.

Short version: ...bzuh?

1 - A sort of weird shout-out to The Brave Little Toaster, actually.

2 - No, I am not linking to this because like I needed any more proof that we live in a godless universe of pain. If you want to know that badly I'm sure you can find it so long as you don't mind things like "loki waffle iron porn" showing up in your Google search history.

3 - I'm not on tumblr because I would rather use the time to write. Twitter sucks away enough of my life. No, I'm not getting an account. Fuck off.

4 - Well, and a little weirded out by the porn thing. I've never really bought into the idea of people climbing mountains just because they're there, and I feel similarly ambivalent toward people writing porn that seems to have no purpose other than to make others snort Borax just because they can. Then again, I did just link to that website of the Roy Orbison in cling-film stories so maybe I should shut up but goddamnit those are funny and involve no actual weird sex.

5 - I also kind of want to say hi to the non-porn bits of things, but since I have no tumblr that seems a tad impossible. It does seem cool in some kind of bizarre, WTF-internet kind of way.

In which Loki moves back to Denver, at last.

It was at last time for Loki to leave his temporary lair in Houston, Texas, to return to Denver. But not before a few loose ends were to be tied.

So we meet again, House of Pies.

Very funny, mortal. And by very funny, I mean you will choke on your own blood.

Bring forth your strongest warrior!

If that is the best you can do, truly you are defeated. 

Loki approved of the motif on his conveyance. 

At a gas station, an old friend made herself known. 

"Together, we shall take this realm by storm!"

After a hot dog break.

Extra long, indeed.

As is most appropriate, a snickers blizzard.

Hm. Oops.

Someone has mis-folded the map. How... evil.

After a day of traveling, time for a relaxing bath.

Very funny, Wendy.

In Oklahoma, we came across one of Loki's favorite mortal restaurants.

But ended up elsewhere. Stupid unadventurous mortals. Not evil enough.

What's Australian for kneel?

Like a slumber party. An evil slumber party.

Another old friend was found. 

Not funny. Not funny at all.

I find your offering of crayons to be inadequate, Chili's!

He took a moment to make his mortal's hat infinitely more pimp.

Wendy punch!

And at last, the triumphant return to big sky country.

And a well-earned Boulder veggie bowl. Even not-really-evil-just-misunderstood gods go through vegetable withdrawal eventually.

The end.